Step Parents Frequently Find It Tough To Share Authority

Step parenting frequently brings its own particular problems as the new step parent finds himself or herself caught in the middle between the biological parent and the children. Just how much difficulty you are going to encounter depends upon a whole variety of factors, the most important of which will be the degree of co-operation you receive from the biological parent and the ages of the children involved.

The best parenting advice and the key to successful step parenting lies first in clearly determining your role with the biological parent as you are certainly going to have an uphill struggle if the two of you are not completely in agreement from the start. With any changes in a relationship though you also need to understand that adjustments will take time and you will have to adopt a 'step by step' approach. Any attempt to hasten things, or to force the situation, will definitely lead to frustration and even conflict. The biological parent may feel threatened by the need to share parenting responsibilities and will need to have time to adjust and to acquire trust and confidence in you as a parent to his or her children.

Your next step will be to establish your role with the children who, unless they are quite young, will normally resent the intrusion of an 'outsider'. You will have to take things slowly and accept that the children will need time to get used to the situation before they accept you as a parent. Once more, you will need the help of the biological parent in cementing your relationship with the children.

A successful move into step parenting has to begin with a clear and frank discussion with the biological parent, during which each party have to communicated freely and honestly about how they see their role, as well as the role of the other party, and you must both arrive at a clear agreement on just how you ought to share parenting responsibilitites. This discussion should also set clear boundaries but must be flexible enough to allow for modification, especially in the critical first few weeks and months after the establishment of your new relationship.

This initial conversation will not of course be the end of the matter and a number of similar discussions will need to take place before a truly meaningful and lasting shift in parenting responsibilities can happen.

Having reached agreement the next step in the process is to bring the children on board and this must at first be led by the biological parent. At a suitable time the family should all sit down together and the biological parent has got to start a discussion during which the plan that you have agreed can be revealed to the children and discussed with them.

At this point it is important to emphasize that this had to be a genuine discussion and not merely a case of the parents 'laying down the law' to the children. It is critically important that the children have a say in to the discussion and that their thoughts and views on what has been agreed be listened to. Just like adults, children need to be allowed to have a sense of control over their own lives and must feel comfortable with the situation in which they now find themselves. This does not mean that the children must be given control of the situation, which should stay firmly in the parents' hands as the final decision makers, however, every effort should be made to ensure that they comprehend the situation and that they are as happy with it as is they can be.

The simple fact that the children can see that their parents have obviously thought about the position carefully, and are in agreement about it, will go a long way towards preventing the children from playing the parents off against each other and their inclusion in the process will also assist a great deal in getting them on board.

Coming into a household as a step parent can be very hard for not only the step parent but also for the biological parent and for the children and everyone must work together carefully and take their time to build an environment in which everyone can live happily together. Handled carefully step parenting is not as difficult as you might think.